Red Dead Ed
by Scary Spikender
Summary: A little town called the Cul-De-Sac sits in the middle of this sun baked county, and it's inhabitants struggle daily to survive the heat, starvation, thirst, and the occasional outlaw that pays a fair visit to their town. When big trouble hits the little town, what will the kids do to stop it and save their only home?


**Red Dead Ed**

April 23rd, 1895

The sun bore down on the hot, desolate stretch of land known as Peach Creek County; the soil was hard as rock from the constant exposure from the sun during the day. The nights were no better, however; the soil became ice cold and could literally give frostbite to any unlucky animal or person who dared to lay their exposed flesh upon its chilly surface. Many different forms of plant-life dotted the desert; from cactuses to small weed that choked their way to the service. It was a wonder that anything could possibly survive the inhospitable climate, but nature had a way of creating the most adaptable creatures. Small lizards scurried across the baked ground, looking for insects to devour and cool rocks to rest upon. All nature of predatory birds constantly patrolled the desert, looking for an unfortunate little animal or a rotting piece of flesh that was once called a human.

Among the vast and empty desert lay a small town that seemed like a little tiny dot on its surface; it was a small bump on the mostly flat plane of the desert; at the entrance to the town stood a sign that read "The Cul-De-Sac". Beneath the large, bold letters read "Population: 8". The town consisted of a few buildings as well as a small farm that was situated behind the town, as if its inhabitants wanted to shield it from view from any would-be passerby or visitor. There were two rows of buildings facing each other, as well as one large building at the head of the town. On one side were three houses, a doctor's office, a bar, and a general store. On the other side were four more houses as well as the sheriff's office. At the end of the tiny town stood the bank, looming over the town tall and proud, as if asking for someone to challenge its authority. A large grain silo stood on one side of the bank, and a well next to the silo. It was a wonder that anyone would choose to call this town home, but the fact was that eight people did; and everyday was a fight for survival against the elements, outlaws, fate, and death himself, all of which stared the town in the face on a daily basis.

A young man wielding a pick axe, shovel, and a map stepped lazily out of one of the houses that lay at the entrance of the town, obviously having just woken up. He wore a dirty grey shirt and a pair of red overalls, as well as a wide brimmed whicker hat that he wore to keep his head cool. Three long hairs poked out from under the back of the hat. He looked up at a large clock that rested on the head of the bank, but had to shield his eyes from the morning sun just to read the time. "Six o'clock," the boy muttered wearily before yawning. He scratched his side furiously, managing to form a large red rash on his side when he was done. "Perfect time to do some prospectin," the boy said happily before putting on a devilish little smirk. He stumbled down his steps, almost slipping on a bottle of soda pop on his way down. The bottle rolled down the steps, making a large clinking sound as it made its way down the stairs. The short boy stopped at the stairs and stared out into the vast desert, trying to locate the landmark he was looking for. He squinted his eyes as he tried to spot what he was looking for through the haze of the desert. He swore he could literally see the earth crackling and popping under the sweltering heat of the sun. He was startled by a voice that rung out from behind him, interrupting him from his moment of concentration.

"Mornin', Eddy!" yelled out a boy who had just exited the house next to his. The boy had a rather large noggin, wore a white collared shirt, a vest, some rough cloth pants with a big patch on one knee, and had a pair of boots with some spurs on them. Eddy groaned in annoyance, his search for his landmark officially ended for the time being.

"Hey, Jonny," Eddy muttered as he turned away from the boy.

"Aren't you forgettin someone, Eddy?" Jonny asked in annoyance. Eddy groaned again, except this time it was loud enough for Jonny to hear.

"Oh, right… hey, Plank," Eddy called out quickly before returning to his search. Jonny held a small wooden board in his hand which had a face painted on it. Plank had an eternal smile on his face which gave his face a devilish stare, as if he was up to something that no one, even Jonny, could figure out. Jonny looked after Eddy for awhile, as if he was expecting Eddy to say something more.

"Oh well, Plank, I guess Eddy's too busy to play with us. Too bad he'll miss out on all the Spring-time fun we'll have, huh, buddy?" Jonny asked Plank as he held him up in the air for a second. Jonny gave a little giggle to an answer that only he could hear as he ran off into the town. Eddy couldn't help but give a small little smile.

"Ha, Spring-time fun my ass," Eddy managed to spurt out as he looked around at the desolate wasteland that surrounded the town. "This place is a grade A dump year round, ain't any different from any other time of the year," Eddy commented before setting off for a small hill he had spotted in the distance.

Jonny skipped happily past the buildings that lined the town and out to the farm where a tall and lanky figure slaved over a field. The figure wore a grimy and soiled pair of blue overalls over a dark grey shirt, which would be just as soiled if it wasn't for the slight protection of the overalls that were worn over them. The figure's boots sunk deep into the soil, which was not wet from water but from the sweat that fell like waterfalls off of the figure's body. Jonny hopped up and sat on a fence that closed in the farm. His gaze went from the figure to an enclosure by a barn where a goat, two cows, and several chickens ate hay and what little grass poked out from the hard soil. The animals had been placed in such a manner that the side of the barn gave them constant shade, which the figure that labored over the field no doubt was dying for. "Hiya, Rolf!" Jonny greeted as he waved happily toward the figure. Rolf stood up slowly, his joints aching from yesterday's work as well as the work he had just started early in the morning. When he stood all the way up, his back cracked loudly.

"Greetings, Jonny the wood boy. Rolf is sorry but he cannot come and enjoy the fine weather as he has much work to do in the fields," Rolf said before shrugging. Before he could bend back over, however, Jonny jumped off of the fence and walked over to Rolf.

"Hey, me and Plank can help you out! We could take the horses out of the stables and lead them into town for some fresh hay from the store! After all, that old hay you have in there is probably giving them stomach cramps," Jonny offered before grinning. Rolf played with his chin for a moment as he went over the offer in his head, no doubt weighing the pros and cons of letting Jonny feed the precious few horses the town owned.

"Very well then, you and your wooden friend may take the horses and feed them, but heed Rolf's warning: let nothing happen to those horses or Rolf will skin you like he would skin a cow for its precious hide!" Rolf threatened before shooing Jonny away toward the barn where the horses resided. Jonny happily ran toward the barn and stopped at its large, heavy doors. The barn was quite old and was rotting and falling apart in places, but overall was in sturdy condition. It was colored an old, faded red that was chipping and peeling in places. Jonny used Plank to pry open the doors, which he knew he was not strong enough to open without the assistance of his little wooden friend. Jonny stepped into the cool darkness of the barn after he had fully pried the doors open, and he gazed around until he had spotted the three horses that stood in their stables. They remained silent as Jonny slowly made his way over to the gates that kept each of the horses in its respective enclosure. Each horse, two of which were males and one of which was a female, had a fine leather saddle on its back that was both comfortable to ride and quite sturdy. Jonny took the latches off each gate and took hold of the bridles on the horses. He led them out of the barn carefully, fearful of startling the beasts. As he gained confidence, he began to increase his pace toward the town, which lay only a few meters from the edge of the farm.

Jonny strolled into the town, the horses in tow, and went over to the general store, where he tied the three horses to a post at the entrance. "Wait here, Plank, and make sure these three behave," Jonny instructed before leaving Plank leaning against the post. Jonny walked up the creaky steps of the general store and entered the cool interior. He looked around the interior of the store which was well lit with electric bulbs that lined the walls. Several bags of flour lay against one wall and a shelf with many different canned goods stood on the other. Behind the counter was a rack with many different spices and bottled pop, as well as some hay bales that rested beneath the rack. A fragile young boy wiped the counter, trying to get it as spotless as possible for his customers. The boy wore a baby blue apron and a red bow tie as well as a pressed and cleaned white collar shirt. His cowlick stood triumphantly at the peak of his head. The boy looked up and smiled at Jonny, his dental gear, which was quite massive and was fixated around his head, clicking as he did so.

"Hello, Jonny, fine day to make a purchase, don't ya think?" Jimmy asked politely as he threw the towel he was using to wipe the counter over his shoulder. Jimmy, the owner and proprietor of the General Store, had recently focused all of his energy into renovating and stocking the store with all manner of goods that he was sure the residents of the Cul-De-Sac desired. Ever since his child-hood playmate and best friend had left town a year ago, he had no other outlet to pour his energy into but his store, making it the most well-kempt and well-maintained building in the town, save for the bank, of course.

"You bet, Jimmy!" Jonny exclaimed before moving over to the counter and resting his arms on it. "I'll take three bales of hay, please!" Jonny said as he stared over at the many bales that sat behind Jonny.

"Okay then let's see here…" Jimmy mumbled as he fiddled with the cash register. He pressed a few buttons and then the price popped up on the top of the register on a few white cards.

"Okay, three dollars, let's see here…" Jonny said before digging around the back pocket of his trousers. He whipped out a worn leather wallet and peaked inside. He fished around inside of the wallet before extracting three bucks. "There you go, Jimmy, three buckaroos for three bales of hay!" Jimmy happily relieved Jonny of the money and deposited it into the cash register.

"Okay, Plank, I got the hay!" Jonny exclaimed as he balanced three large bales of hay in his arms. He slowly walked down the steps of the bank and strapped one bale of hay to each of the horses. After he had completed his task, he turned around snatched Plank up off of the ground. "Okay, buddy, let's get these horses back to Rolf's barn!" Jonny grabbed each of the horses by his bridle and began to lead them back to Rolf's barn.

* * *

A young man with a bowler hat was sweating profusely as he stood behind the well polished and sturdy counter of the bank. He had a black vest on, a black tie, a black button up shirt, and a pair of black dress pants and some polished brown shoes. He stared across the counter at the object of his discomfort, a young lady with bright blond hair and bright red lipstick and nail polish on. She wore a disinfected white dress and had a bag of medical instruments dangling from her arm, it's well worn strap looping over her shoulder. She grinned a bright, white smile as she giggled at the nervous young man. The two of them were conducting business in the large bank that stood as the figurehead of the Cul-De-Sac. The inside was bright and inviting, a chandelier with many bulbs hanging in the middle of the compact lobby lighting up every part of the room. There were many benches lining the walls as well as many wide and tall windows that had light streaming in from the outside. The floor was made of marble which had been recently waxed. Every inch of the bank seemed to be designed to exact measurements, and gave off a glowing aura of perfection and cleanliness. The young man behind the counter cleared his throat as he tried to find the strength to eck out a few words. "Well… um… let's see here… Miss Van Bartonschmeer… yes… it seems that you have ten dollars and forty two cents in your account..." the young man stuttered quietly as he looked down at the many forms and papers that lay scattered on the counter.

The young lady smiled brightly as she craned her neck to glance at all the white forms. "Cool, so that means I can make the withdrawal, right Double D?" the young lady asked as she glanced up at Edd. Edd pulled at his collar, trying to release the steaming air that was trapped in his clothing.

"Yes… Nazz, you can make the withdrawal… just no more than the amount stated… unless you wanted to take out a loan, of course," Edd finished as he tried to pull himself together.

"No loan, Double D. I'd just like to take out two dollars, if that's okay," Nazz said as she folded her arms. Edd smiled.

"Of course, Nazz. Just excuse me while I get the money from the lockbox," Edd said before turning around and walking over to a safe. He made sure to block Nazz's view of the safe as he entered the combination that only he knew. After entering the combination, the safe swung open and Edd took out a silver box. He walked back over to the counter, the lock box rattling with every step. Edd laid it on the counter and withdrew a key from his pocket. He stuck the key into a lock on the front of the box and twisted it, releasing the lock. He put the key and lock into his pocket and swung the lid of the box up, revealing some neatly assorted dollar bills and some coins that were sorted into small compartments. Edd reached into the box and took out a two dollar bills and handed them to Nazz. "There you are, Nazz. Two dollars as requested," Edd stated kindly before shutting the box and relocking it.

"Thanks, Double D. Have a nice day," Nazz said before turning around and exiting the bank. Edd sighed with relief as he watched her open the heavy green door of the bank and exit. Edd hated to see her go, but he was glad that the stress and nervousness that he experienced around her was finally gone. Edd wiped his forehead free of sweat before returning to the safe with the lock box and depositing it within its thick metal walls. He shut the door gently and jimmied the combination lock to make sure that it was secured. Edd strolled back over to his post at the counter, whistling happily as he went. Before he could sit down on his comfortable little stool, however, the sound of gun shots in the air caused him to jump a foot in the air. He began to tremble as he stood behind the desk, sweat pellets of fear beginning to glisten on his brow as he listened intently for any more gunshots.

"We'd like to see the sheriff of this town, right now!" a loud voice rung from outside the bank. Edd gulped before stepping out from behind his counter and carefully walking to the door. He stepped outside into the sweltering heat and shut the door behind him. He looked down the beaten dirt road that led from the bank to the edge of town and spotted three figures at the entrance. Edd noticed a small crowd gathered in the middle of town and rushed down to join them. Rolf, Jonny, Plank, Jimmy, Nazz, and now Edd stood in the middle of the town and faced the three figures. One of the three figures was dressed in a dark button up shirt and black pants with a red kerchief around his mouth and nose. He had a dark black Stetson resting on his head with three long red hairs drooping down over his face. The second figure that stood next to him had a red kerchief over her face as well. She had on a black dress with a bandolier slung over shoulder that ran its way across her body. Her fiery red hair swayed as a slight breeze rolled through the town. Both of them had a belt with shining gold buckles and a pistol holster on their sides. They both held their silver revolvers high in the air, a small smoke puff rising from the young man's revolver. The third figure was shaking furiously as he lay on the ground beside the other two figures tied up, his arms and legs bound together by separate ropes. He had a sock stuffed in his mouth which muffled his cries. It was Eddy.

"You heard him! Bring out the sheriff or we'll fill little Eddy hear with lead!" the lady yelled, her voice louder than a gunshot and as nasty as a cheese grater against metal. Edd recognized the two armed figures that stood at the entrance of the Cul-De-Sac. It was Kevin and Sarah, both of whom none of the inhabitants had seen or heard from for almost a year. The crowd of shaking, sweaty westerners did nothing but stare in fear at the two armed outlaws.

"Get out here now Marshall Dork!" Kevin yelled in anger as he waved his revolver in the air. He looked angrily at Eddy before pressing his gun against Eddy's quivering head. "Hurry it up, Sheriff!" Kevin screamed as the cool barrel of the gun pressed harder against Eddy's temple. Eddy was trying to scream in fear, but the scream came out a as a muffled whine against the sock. Edd panicked, fearing that Kevin would soon flip out in anger if Ed didn't show up and go on a shooting rampage.

"Hold it, Kevin, don't pull the trigger!" Edd yelled as he stepped out of the crowd and waved his arms frantically in the air. Kevin and Sarah glared angrily at Edd, who was now regretting his action.

"If you don't want Dorky to be in the obituaries then you better get the sheriff out here right now!" Kevin seethed as he lifted the gun from Eddy's head as a form of encouragement. Edd nodded slowly before jetting over to the sheriff's office. Edd stormed through the door and frantically swung his head around as he searched for the sheriff. He spotted the sheriff dozing behind his desk, a pool of drool forming around his head. Edd ran over to the sheriff's sleeping form and laid his hand on his shoulder before shaking him.

"Ed, you have to get up! We have a terribly dangerous situation evolving outside that only you can properly deal with!" Edd said erratically as he began to shake Ed with more and more vigor. Ed suddenly leaped up, his drool flying every where and soaking Edd.

"Who, what, where, why?" Ed screamed as he looked wildly around the room. Ed was wearing a white vest with a white button up shirt underneath that was soaked from his drool. He had a pair of brown leather chaps on and a pair of boots with bright silver spurs on the back. He had a white Stetson hat on his head that was on backwards. Ed spotted Edd, who had tears and sweat leaking down his face and onto his clothing. Edd grabbed Ed by the shoulders and shook him.

"Ed, no time for questions! We must get outside and deal with Kevin and Sarah!" Edd explained quickly before pulling Ed toward the door.

"Kevin and my sister are back?" Ed asked an unresponsive Edd as he was dragged outside. Edd guided Ed to the front of the crowd, who had been silent the whole time, afraid to speak out of being shot by the two angry red heads.

"About damn time!" Sarah screeched as her and Kevin pointed their guns at Ed. Ed rested his hand on his revolver, which hung lazily at his side. Sarah shook her head slowly as a warning, and Ed took his hand off of his gun. Kevin and Sarah stood silent as they faced the crowd of cowering kids. Eddy had given up screaming and simply laid on the ground quiet as he observed the unfolding drama. Kevin stepped toward the kids, who were all tempted to take a step back.

"Okay…" Kevin began as he eyed each of the kids angrily. "We don't want to shoot anyone if we don't have to," Kevin explained as he lowered his gun. "In fact, we really don't want any trouble," Kevin stated as he rested his eyes on Ed, who was studying Kevin and his sister inquisitively. "Sheriff, as soon as our demands are met, we'll be on our way and out of y'alls hair," Kevin said as he squinted his eyes at Ed, who was scratching his head.

"What demands?" Ed asked as he looked around at the other kids, who could do nothing but shrug in response.

"All we want is a pair of horses and some money and then we'll leave all of you alone and in peace," Kevin said, keeping his gun out just in case Ed refused to meet his demands. Ed suddenly became very tense and his face scrunched up.

"I don't think so, hombre…" Ed said as he once again laid his hand on his gun. "You and my baby sister can't come back to town and take all of our stuff. It's not yours, it's ours!" Ed proclaimed loudly, his voice more serious than anyone had ever heard it before. The usually dopey and playful Ed had become what seemed like a hardened dispenser of justice in a matter of seconds. Kevin and Sarah seemed unnerved by this, but quickly recovered their resolve.

"Ed, you bludderhead, give us what we want or I'll shoot you myself!" Sarah screamed as she pointed her gun at Ed. It was the worst mistake she made that day. Ed whipped his revolver out and shot it out of her hand, and it went flying through the air, a shocked Sarah watching it as it soared over her head.

"YOU DORK!" Kevin yelled before raising his gun to take a shot at Ed. Ed just grinned at him, which caused Kevin to go wide eyed. "What's so funn- OUCH!" Kevin screamed in pain before jumping in the air. Sarah's gun had landed behind Kevin and went off, shooting him straight in the buttocks. Kevin dropped his gun on the ground as he began leaping around screeching and howling in pain. Ed holstered his gun and strolled over to the two now defenseless outlaws. Sarah gulped in fear as Kevin started to calm down and examine the damage to his rear end.

"Stay away from me!" Sarah exclaimed angrily and fearfully before she tried to punch Ed in the gut. Ed caught her fist and then pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

"You're under arrest for disturbing the peace of pie of the Cul-De-Sac!" Ed said before snapping the cuffs around the hand he had. He turned her around and cuffed her other hand, linking them together. He shoved her to the ground, where she stayed still, scared of what was going to happen next.

"No way, man! I ain't going to the slammer!" Kevin yelled before trying to run off, ignoring the pain that made every nerve in his body scream. Ed pulled out another pair of handcuffs and smiled as Kevin rocketed as fast as he could away from the Cul-De-Sac. Ed threw the handcuffs toward Kevin, which tangled up around his legs and managed to cuff his them together. Kevin stumbled and landed face first on the hard desert soil. "Dork…" Kevin muttered as he spit out a tooth and a little bit of blood. Ed turned toward the denizens of the Cul-De-Sac in triumph.

"Ed, your sheriff, has saved the day from evildoers once more!" Ed proclaimed as all of the kids, save for Kevin, Sarah, and Eddy, who was still tied up, let out an earsplitting cheer.

"You're our hero, Ed!" Nazz cheered as she jumped for joy.

"Rolf hasn't seen such fine gunslinging since he was a mere child and watched Nana shoot the shell off the back of an armadillo!" Rolf said cheerfully as he pumped his fist in the air.

"That was amazing, Ed! I had no idea you were so… well… good at your job!" Edd exclaimed happily as he hugged Ed, happy that disaster was averted.

* * *

After the drama of the morning, the Cul-De-Sac had returned to its relative calm. Something just wasn't the same, however. The return of Kevin and Sarah had given the Cul-De-Sac the tension of a rubber band drawn tight, as if something would snap at any moment and cause utter chaos to erupt. "YOWCH!" a voice screamed from inside the doctor's office, interrupting the tight-lipped silence of the town. Kevin lay on a comfortable bed, his rear turned high in the air as he gripped the sides of the bed, tears streaming down his face. Nazz stood behind him tapping her foot impatiently. "Come on, Kevin, if you keep on whining like this the darn thing will never come out," Nazz explained as she examined the pair of tweezers in her hand. "And if it doesn't come out, you'll get an infection and probably die."

"I know, I know, just don't do it all slow, do it real fast!" Kevin sputtered out in pain.

"I should probably jab these tweezers in your butt and yank the bullet out for what you did," Nazz began as she steadied herself to try and extract the bullet again. Kevin gulped.

"Look, I'm sorry, Nazz, but- HOLY COW! OUCH!" Kevin screamed in agony as Nazz yanked the bullet out of Kevin's butt.

Meanwhile, in the sheriff's office, Ed, Edd, and Eddy were all discussing the events of the day while the other kids returned to their duties. Ed sat at his desk, leaning back with his legs kicked up on the desk and a piece of wheat sticking out of his mouth. Edd and Eddy sat in two chairs across the desk from Ed, both of them wearing faces of relief and happiness. Sarah sat in a cell in the back brooding angrily as she watched the three Eds talking and laughing. The sheriff's office was relatively bare but did have a book shelf with a few books, a telephone that rarely worked due to the telephone wires usually being inoperable, and a table with a small dusty lamp on it. On the desk were a few sheets of paper, a type writer, and Ed's badge that had a large golden star on it. "I ain't gonna lie, Ed, that was some nice shootin' there, pal," Eddy complemented as he sunk into his chair, happy to be free from bondage.

"Indeed, it was. I was wondering where you learned how to shoot like that… care to explain, Ed?" Edd asked inquisitively as he cupped his hands together and laid them in his lap.

"I will tell you everything as soon as Ed gets back from the sheriff's office," Ed said as he focused on keeping the piece of wheat between his teeth. Eddy groaned and Edd giggled. Sarah growled something in whisper from her cell in the corner, drawing the attention of the three Eds. Eddy smiled evilly before getting up and moseying over to Sarah's cell.

"Well I reckon you'll be spending a nice chunk of your life in jail, ya brat!" Eddy mocked as he poked his finger through the bars of the cell. Sarah's scowl changed to an evil grin.

"Is that so?" Sarah said before chomping down full force on Eddy's finger with her mammoth jaws. Eddy's face lit up a bright red and his teeth grinded together.

"AHHH! SHE'S BITING ME! GET HER OFF! ED!" Eddy yelped in pain and helplessness as he tried to get his finger back from Sarah, who refused to stop biting his finger. Sarah tried to yank Eddy through the cell bars, grabbing his arm, but not releasing his finger, as she started to slowly pull him through the bars and into the cell. Ed kicked into action. He leapt over the desk and over Edd's head, who ducked as Ed flew over him, and over to Eddy. He grabbed his other armed and pulled him hard, sending him flying across the room and into a wall. Sarah's face hit the bars and she fell to the ground with a big red mark in the middle of her face.

"Stupid… Eddy…." Sarah mumbled before sitting up and gripping her face which was filled with pain. Eddy lay crumpled next to the door of the sheriff's office with little yellow birds circling around his head.

"I hate birds…" Eddy commented to himself before slowly standing up. Eddy looked angrily over at Sarah, who was also trying to regain her balance. Before Eddy could start yelling, however, Nazz walked in with Kevin in tow, who was walking with a severe limp.

"Hey, Ed, I got the bullet out of Kevin so he can go into the cell with Sarah," Nazz said as he led Kevin by the arm over to the cell. Kevin would usually protest and fight before submitting to being shoved into a cell, but really didn't feel like resisting after getting a bullet getting yanked out of his rear. Ed took a key ring from off of his belt and opened the cell, allowing Nazz to guide Kevin into the cell. Ed shut the door behind Kevin and reattached the key ring to his belt. Ed peered inside the cell at Kevin, who had decided to remain standing in the middle of the cell due to the pain in his butt, and Sarah, who was lying on one of the hard wooden cots in the cell.

"The law from the city is on their way to take you to the bigger jail," Ed explained, drawing looks of fear from Kevin and Sarah. Kevin limped to the front of the cell and put his hands on the bars.

"Ed… please don't," Kevin pleaded as he looked at all the hard and uncaring faces looking at him. "You guys don't understand…. look… how about I explain why we did what we did…" Kevin said as he looked back at Sarah, who gave a slight nod of approval. Ed, Edd, Eddy, and Nazz looked at each other before looking back at Kevin.

"Do tell," Ed said before pulling up one of the chairs and taking a seat in it in front of the cell. Kevin sighed before staring at the floor, trying to get his thoughts together for his explanation of their actions, hoping that they would forgive him and Sarah for their wrongdoings.

"When we left about a year ago, we had this silly idea that we were gonna become outlaws and take other peoples' stuff to make a living. We thought it was a better idea than sticking around here and breaking our backs everyday just to make ends meat. We also thought that it would be an exciting life filled with adventure and fun times. Well it just wasn't like that," Kevin began as he continued to stare at the floor, unable to look his former friends in the face. "When we first set out on our new life, we ran into another gang of outlaws and they let us ride with them. This was what you would call the part where we flourished and got everything we ever dreamed of. The outlaws we rode with were _the _best gunslingers in the West, no doubt about it. Every town we rode into people were literally handing us their valuables just to leave them alone, and if anyone tried to put up a fight then they were quickly shot dead. We were living good and sitting pretty on a pile of gold, jewelry, money, and prized family heirlooms," Kevin went on before finally looking up at their faces. "But then things turned sour. Sarah and I just couldn't take the life anymore. At least not the way the other outlaws lived it. They were ruthless, bloodthirsty, heartless monsters who definitely didn't become outlaws just to make a living. They took pleasure in torturing the poor folks in each town, making them beg for their lives and slowly killing them off one by one, all while enjoying the food and drinks that each town had and celebrating each day with another killing. Well, me and Sarah couldn't live with ourselves after we saw the horrors that they committed each and every time we rode into a new town, so one night while they were asleep we took two of the horses and began to ride them as fast as we could away, as far away as we could get. We thought we could lose them easy, but one of those ornery bastards has the nose of a bloodhound and tracked us down wherever we hid. When we finally made it back to here at the Cul-De-Sac, our old horses had died from gunshot wounds and exhaustion from running so long, and that's why we wanted fresh horses as well as some money to grab a train at one of the cities." As Kevin finished, the faces that were once filled with resent eased up a little. Edd's face, however, suddenly filled with a new fear. He rushed toward the cell and wrapped his hands around the bars.

"Wait a minute… you said the outlaws were following you the whole time? Then that means…" Edd couldn't finish his sentence. Ed, Eddy, and Nazz suddenly realized what Kevin had been implying through his story and got the same look of fear that Edd had on their faces. Ed stepped forward and looked Kevin in the eyes.

"How long until they get here, do ya think?" Ed asked.

"… About a day, give or take a few hours…" Kevin resigned as he turned away from the four who all began to get looks of panic on their faces. "But Ed, don't even try to pull that fancy gunslinging that you did earlier on these three," He began as he turned back to Ed. "They maybe bloodthirsty and reckless, but when they are staring down the law there is no better shot in the West than those three." Kevin gulped. Edd knew there was something that he wasn't telling them. Kevin could see that Edd knew there was something more. He sighed. "One other thing… you probably know who they are. Usually they'd never come all the way out here due to the unbearable heat in these parts, but I guess they'd risk it just to get at our throats. They're pretty much legend all over the West, although not in the good sense. We used to talk about them all the time here in the Cul-De-Sac before we left, hoping that they never came to visit our fair little town." Kevin began playing with his handkerchief, which hung from around his neck. "They're known around the West as the Killer Kisses." The four that stood outside of the cell shrieked in terror at the name that every farmer feared and every townsperson shook in cowardice at.

"You've got to be kidding me! And to think, I was this close to hitting the mother lode in the mines!" Eddy whined as he slid down one of the walls of the room, depressed that he never got to strike it rich. "Now none of it matters cause we're all dead. I remember when we used to talk about those three outlaws all the time… and the bad part of the stories we heard about them was that no one has ever been able to beat them in a shootout."

"This is definitely not news I wanted to hear… I guess I'll go tell everyone else in the town," Nazz said robotically before leaving the sheriff's office, obviously shaken by the news. Edd sighed before taking a seat in the other chair by the desk. Ed stood up and began pacing around the room Kevin and Sarah watched the three of them intently, wanting to see what actions they would take now that the truth had been spoken.

"We'll have to take them on together guys!" Ed finally exclaimed as he looked at his two chums happily. Edd and Eddy looked at him incredulously, as if he was joking or something.

"You're pulling our leg, right, Ed? I mean, come on! Do you really think we could take on the Killer Kisses! They're legendary badasses and we're just three stooges in a town in the middle of nowhere!" Eddy exclaimed angrily. It was evident in his tone that he was ready to surrender even before the Killer Kisses arrived.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Eddy… if we try to resist, they may kill us all," Edd explained before standing up and resting his hand on Ed's shoulder. "I know it's in your nature to want to protect your friends… but this time I fear that you, as well as the rest of us, are powerless to stop them. We might as well submit to their demands when they get here and pray to the lord that they don't decide that we aren't worth leaving alive." Kevin shook his head.

"Look, I don't think you dorks get it. It doesn't matter whether or not you guys fight to the death with them or try to kiss their asses as soon as they get here. They will slaughter everyone in this town, whether you want to believe me or not," Kevin said, dashing Edd's hopes of a peaceful surrender. Eddy suddenly leapt to his feet, a smile on his face.

"Wait a minute! They only want Kevin and Sarah! If we just hand them over, maybe they'll leave us alone!" Eddy exclaimed as he rubbed his hands together and looked over at the two cowering forms in the cell.'

"This is just like you, Eddy! I knew you'd try to throw us to the lions!" Sarah screamed as she tried to break the bars of the cell just to get at Eddy's throat. Ed and Edd looked at Eddy, then at each other, and then at Kevin and Sarah, who gulped at the stare the three were giving them. They knew what was going to happen now.

* * *

April 24th, 1895

The townsfolk were gathered in the middle of the Cul-De-Sac, their two sacrificial offerings bound and gagged. Kevin and Sarah struggled against their bonds to no avail. They shot wild eyed looks at all of the kids, their eyes pleading them to set the two of them free. No one moved a muscle. Jimmy gave Sarah a scared, sympathetic, and longing stare. He wanted to help her. To free her. To rekindle their former friendship. But he didn't move. He knew that this had to be done or they were all scrap for the vultures. "Rolf questions the necessity of sacrificing the two hot-headed ones," Rolf began nervously as he wiped his brow free of sweat. "If we all-"

"No, Rolf, this is the way it must be done. If we wanted to run we should have done it yesterday. It's too late now," Edd explained solemnly as they stared out into the desert, ignoring the muffled screams and curses of Kevin and Sarah. Their eyes searched the wavy lines of the desert heat for any sign of the three dreaded ones. Nazz stood praying beside Rolf, who had his eyes locked on the emptiness of the desert. Jimmy fiddled with his apron as he stared into the desert, his mind trying to wrap around the fact that they were probably all going to die. Jonny sat cross legged on the ground as he scribbled on a piece of paper that read across the top in tall letters "Jonny's Will", using Plank as a backing to write. Edd and Eddy were shaking cowardly, beads of sweat from both heat and fear dripping down their bodies. Ed had his hand on his revolver, ready to withdraw it at a moments notice. Edd and Eddy had revolvers as well, although they seemed too scared to even move their arms in an effort to take them out of their holsters.

"What if they lost Kevin and Sarah's trail?" Jimmy asked as he looked around at the faces that were now staring at him. "I mean, it's a possibility, right?" Jimmy once again asked. "After all, they've been able to track them all this time, perhaps luck was on our side this time and don't know where- EEK!" Jimmy screeched in terror at the sight of three figures on dark black horses. All the kids whirled around at Jimmy's shriek of terror. They all went wide eyed when they saw three figures riding hard toward the Cul-De-Sac atop their large, heavy steeds. Kevin and Sarah began to flop on the ground wildly, renewing their efforts to escape their binds.

"Well, there goes that theory…" Eddy commented fearfully as he laid his trembling and moist hand on his revolver. Edd did the same as the three riders drew nearer and nearer. They could hear the sounds of the horses now as they panted and brayed. They could see the glistening sweat and whipping manes and tails of the jet black horses, which had fine leather saddles as well as loads of equipment on each of their rears. But it was the loads that sat in the saddles of each of the horses that the kids feared the most. The horses began to slow down and came to a halt at the entrance to the Cul-De-Sac. The kids took this chance to examine the three riders. The one on the left had long blonde hair and had a black Hardee hat on. She had a dark black frock coat on over a black shirt and a pair of suede shotgun chaps on as well as some leather boots on with sparkling silver spurs. The one on the right had blue hair and a sombrero on. She had an elaborate black and gold poncho on and a black denim shirt underneath. She had on a pair of bat winged chaps and the same pair of boots the blonde haired girl wore. The on in the middle had bright red hair that was shown proudly with no hat to hide it. She had a jacket and leggings made from buckskin as well as a dark black button up shirt on underneath it all, as well as the same boots as the other two. All three of them had black kerchiefs over their mouths that had a bright red stylized kiss mark on them. The inhabitants of the Cul-De-Sac stood there shaking in fear at the sight of their worst nightmare come true; all but Ed, who was determined to be brave and fend off these savage outlaws. To their surprise, the three just sat there on their horses, watching the kids shake in fear, probably enjoying the sight. The red-haired one, who was obviously the leader of the trio, spotted Kevin and Sarah on the ground struggling against their bonds and then cracked her neck.

"So you two chose this little backwater, trashy town to hide in? I can't believe we let you two losers ride with us, let alone share in our loot," the flame-haired girl commented as she stared at Kevin and Sarah, who had stopped struggling and had frozen stiff as they looked in dread at her. She then turned her gaze on the crowd standing behind Kevin and Sarah. She studied them closely; noting the fear apparent in all of them, save for the one at the front, who had a gold badge attached to his chest. "Ah, you must be the sheriff," she said before climbing down from her horse. Her two companions did the same without needing to be asked to do so. They all three strolled lazily over to the sheriff. Eddy gritted his teeth angrily. It seemed to him that these three treated the situation like a game, which was especially evident in the way the three carried themselves. They stopped short of Ed, letting Kevin and Sarah be a wall between them and him. Ed gulped; he didn't mean to, but the three were perhaps the most unnerving outlaws he had met in all his days in the West. "Let me guess: you think that handing these two over to us will make us just go away and never come back," she said, a startling statement that unnerved the kids further; she had guessed their plan before they even had a plan to make it known that they were giving up Kevin and Sarah. "WELL THAT AIN'T THE WAY IT WORKS, DAMMIT!" She shrieked before kicking Kevin in the gut, causing him to let out a muffled cry of pain. The kids all jumped back in fear, a voice in the back mumbling something about pants being wetted. Her two partners began to giggle slightly at the act, as if it was funny or something. Ed tried to gather the strength to speak, wanting so badly to stand up to the bullies.

"Enough playing around, Lee, when do we get to shoot somebody?" the blonde hair one asked as she began to guffaw.

"Oh no, please don't hurt us!" Jimmy shrieked, unable to keep his fear locked away any longer. He ripped his way through the crowd and threw himself at Lee's feet. "I'll give you anything you want, just don't kill anybody!" Although the three of them wore kerchiefs over their mouths, it was obvious that they all had evil grins on their faces. Lee knelt down and lifted Jimmy's face to hers by his chin. He stared wide-eyed into her hair, unable to see her eyes, although he knew they stared back at him.

"Aw, you're little shrieks of terror warm my heart, curly-q. Tell ya what: as long as you do what we say, no questions asked, then no one has to get hurt," Lee whispered to Jimmy who nodded slowly and obediently. Lee let go of Jimmy and stood up and faced the rest of the kids. "And that goes for the rest of ya! If you all want to live, you better accept the fact that we're the new sheriffs in town and listen to every command we give, every order we bark, and every decree we shout!" The kids began to nod slowly, just like Jimmy. Ed's face turned sour as he sneered; he refused to listen to Lee. The blue haired one stepped forward, spotting Ed's expression.

"Looks like one of them thinks he's a hero, girls," she said in a high and grating voice. She looked Ed dead in the eyes. "Come on, hero, I dare ya to try and stop us. Let's see how brave you are when you're laying on the ground, bleeding to death, begging for death to come and take you away." Edd gulped before grabbing Ed's shoulder.

"Ed, good lord, don't do this! They're serious, Ed! They will kill you if you try to resist!" Edd whispered in Ed's ear. Ed smacked Edd off of him. He stared at each of the outlaws, his gaze going from each of their faces to the next.

"You think you can just boss us around, dastardly villains! Well I, Sheriff Ed, challenge you to a showdown!" Ed said angrily. The three girls stood their silently for a moment, letting Ed's comment sink in. Suddenly they burst out in a chorus of laughter. Lee smacked her knee and her two companions were literally rolling on the ground in a fit of chortles and giggles. Suddenly Jonny, Jimmy, Rolf, and Nazz disappeared in a flash and into their houses, Nazz and Rolf grabbing Kevin and Sarah as they ran. The Eds were left standing there in the middle of the Cul-De-Sac with the Killer Kisses. Ed, unlike the kids, was unmoved by the mocking laughter. Edd and Eddy wanted to run and hide like the kids, but deep down something told them they had to stand firm with Ed. Lee suddenly stopped laughing and yanked her comrades off of the ground, who both straightened themselves out as well.

"Wait, Lee, I think he's serious," the blonde one said in unbelief. Ed glanced down at their belts. Lee had a huge golden revolver on her side, the blue haired girl had a pair of revolvers on her belt, and the blonde girl didn't have any revolvers, but did have a rifle strapped to her back. Edd and Eddy shook furiously as they tried to shrink themselves and hide behind Ed. Lee spit on the ground before looking at the three boys that stood before her in defiance.

"Alright then… May, Marie, we got ourselves a challenge. And we Kankers aren't known for backing down from a challenge, no matter if it's from a hardened manhunter or a trio of three idiots who think they're gunslingers," Lee began, the Eds knowing that last part was directed at them. "Okay then, boys, before we get around to making you three into swiss cheese, I'd like to know your names." Ed, Edd, and Eddy's expressions seemed to go blank; their names had flown from their minds, having been swept away by the ocean of terror that now occupied the space where their brains once were.

"Ed…" Ed muttered.

"Edd… Double D…" Edd whispered breathlessly.

"Eddy," Eddy stammered, almost choking up when he tried to say his name.

"All three of you are named Ed?" May said as she scratched her chin.

"That's stupid. Now that makes me want to murder you three even more," Marie threatened as she laid her hands on her revolvers.

"Okay, Eds, then I guess it's time to get this over with," Lee said, thinking that this was a waste of time.

"What? Me and Double D didn't agree to a showdown!" Eddy yelled in fear as he grabbed Edd. "So that means we're out of here! Good luck in heaven, Ed!" Eddy tried to yank Edd away and toward his house, but Edd grabbed Eddy and yanked him back beside Ed.

"No, Eddy!" Edd screamed angrily at him. Eddy was in awe; he had never seen Edd so savagely angry at him. "If there ever was a more appropriate time for us to die, then I wouldn't know it. I'd rather die trying to protect the town and the people I know and love than die groveling at the feet of these three monsters," Edd explained as he motioned toward the three aforementioned monsters. Eddy nodded silently, accepting Edd's words as the absolute truth. The Eds lined up and faced the Kankers, who had lined up thirty paces across from them. Jimmy and Sarah peaked out from one of the windows of his store. Kevin, Rolf, and Nazz shook in fear as they watched from the entrance of the doctor's office. Jonny lay trembling as he gripped Plank tightly in his hands, looking at the two lines of three from the window of his house. The Eds and Kankers shadows were nearly non-existent, the sun nearing the apex of its journey across the sky. Edd, who was on Ed's left, stared across the Cul-De-Sac at Marie, who had her hands dangling carelessly above her revolvers. Edd jittered in fear while Marie was relaxed and collected. Eddy, who was on Ed's right, stared across the Cul-De-Sac at May. Eddy's teeth chattered, making a loud, rhythmic beat, while May yawned as she laid her hand on the butt of her rifle, which was still strapped to her back. Ed, who was in the middle, stared across the Cul-De-Sac at Lee. Ed stared in determination at her as she shook her head in pity at the Eds; she knew what the outcome of this shootout would be. The wind suddenly stopped, and the dry, heated air hung around the Cul-De-Sac, determined not to move until someone moved. Lee's eyes moved to look above the Eds, where the clock atop the bank stood ticking. The minute hand was a single tick mark away from the large twelve at the top of the clock.

"When the clock on the bank hits twelve and chimes, that's when we draw," Lee yelled across the Cul-De-Sac at the Eds, who nodded slowly. Although there was only a minute or so left until the battle would begin, time seemed to move by slowly. The Eds stood trembling, although each of them accepted their fate. The Kankers were as stiff as statues.

"It's too bad we have to kill you three," Marie said casually but loud enough for the Eds to hear. "You Eds are actually kind of cute." Eddy grinned; he decided that since he was gonna die anyway, it didn't matter what he said now. He stopped trembling.

"Yeah, well maybe I want to die. After all, I don't want any of y'alls ugly mugs anywhere near me," Eddy yelled before laughing hard. Ed and Edd looked at Eddy, not believing what they had heard him say. The Kankers turned a dark shade of red.

"I dare you to say that again, frogface!" May yelled in anger, almost pulling out her gun and shooting him on the spot; she managed to just barely stop herself, however. The clock suddenly chimed, its loud clanging sounding across the Cul-De-Sac.

"GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT, KANKERS!" Ed yelled bravely. Ed, Edd, and Eddy reached for their guns; but stopped as they stared at the Kankers in horror; the Eds hadn't even grabbed hold of their guns, yet the Kankers already had theirs out and pointing at them. The Eds stood there in silence as they stared at the Kankers. Their kerchiefs had fallen from their faces, and they saw in horror the Kanker's smiles; they were grinning widely and evily, from ear to ear. Their smiles were truly the stuff of nightmares. The Kankers pulled their triggers; the Eds heard the click of the hammers moving on their guns.

"Forgive me for my sins, God…" Eddy whimpered.

"We never stood a chance…" Edd mumbled as he shut his eyes in anticipation.

"NO!" Ed yelled before the Kankers let lose a massive volley of gunshots. The Kankers didn't stop with just one volley; they shot again and again at the Eds, their guns seeming to have a limitless supply of bullets. The kids, who were still cowering in the dark recesses of the buildings, had to cover their ears from the ear-splitting explosion of bullets that tore through the air. The Kankers stopped firing. There was a huge plume of smoke hanging in the air in front of them. When the smoke cleared, the Kankers put away their guns and began cackling evily. Every single one of the kids let out gasps of terror and disbelief. The Kankers had hit the Eds with every shot. The kids ran out of their houses and over to the Eds limp, unmoving bodies, which had fallen to the ground in a crumple.

"Oh my god… Ed… brother…" Sarah whimpered as she looked over Ed's face longingly, which looked surprisingly peaceful. Tears began to stream down her face.

"No… Double D Ed boy…" Rolf sputtered as tears formed in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Eddy… we should have been there for you…" Kevin whispered solemnly as he removed his hat and put it against his chest. The kids stood there staring at the three boys they had bullied since the town had first been erected by their now long dead parents, filled with regret, sorrow, and longing for forgiveness for what they had done in the past. Jonny stepped forward and began waving Plank over the Eds' faces. The kids looked at him, their expressions filled with confusion.

"What the heck are you doing, Jonny?" Nazz asked, confused by his weird action.

"Wake up, guys! Wake up! Wake up! PLANK SAYS TO WAKE UP OR HE'LL STICK A SPLINTER IN YOUR EYES!" Jonny yelled, causing the three Eds to bolt up to a sitting position. They looked dazed and confused. Everything was blurry and out of focus to them. Eventually their vision cleared enough to make out Jonny standing over them, Plank in his hands as usual. "What are you three doing laying out here in the woo- Oh…" Jonny said, filled with unease.

"What… what happened?" Eddy asked as he rubbed his head, which had a large bump on it.

"I'm not sure, Eddy… I don't really remember what happened…" Edd admitted as he rubbed his eyes, trying to regain his vision.

"Is the movie over guys?" Ed asked as he looked around, confused at the blurriness he saw everywhere. Jonny continued to stare at the Eds; he was starting to sweat profusely.

"What are you looking at, Baldy?" Eddy asked angrily as he waved his fist at Jonny.

"Looks like you guys got ambushed…" Jonny said slowly and quietly before pointing at their faces. The Eds looked at each other; they screamed in terror. They had kiss marks covering their faces. The Eds jumped up and began looking around frantically, their sudden fear granting them their vision back. The Eds calmed down when they saw no sign of the Kanker sisters. Eddy realized that they had been lying by the creek the whole time. Eddy slammed his fist into a tree.

"Crap, we got caught by those stupid Kankers… AGAIN!" Eddy screamed in anger. Jonny ran away, not wanting to stick around in case the Kankers came back. Edd sighed as he leaned against another tree. Ed ran over to the creek and looked at his reflection.

"Oh no, did giant killer ants sting me all over my face!" Ed screamed in terror as he saw the bright, blood red kiss marks all over his face.

"No, Ed… although that seems like a preferable alternative…" Edd mumbled.

"Good… but what about radioactive bees?" Ed asked worriedly as he looked at Edd, who couldn't help but slap himself in his forehead at Ed's stupidity.

"Why were we unconscious anyway, Double D?" Eddy asked as he scratched his head, trying to dig deep into his memory. "All I remember is bumping into the Kankers while we were searching for rocks to paint for my Easter Egg Hunt scam … and then I remember us running… but that's it."

"We must've slipped and hit our heads on the rocks we were carrying while we were running from the Kankers… and it looks like they took advantage of our vulnerability while were knocked out, unfortunately…" Edd explained before trying to wipe lipstick off of his lips, to no avail.

"Those stupid Kankers never leave us alone!" Eddy cried as he kicked a rock into a nearby bush. Three heads suddenly popped out from the bush. It was the Kanker sisters.

"You got that right, Eddy…" Lee purred as Ed, Edd, and Eddy screamed in terror.

"Now that you three sleepy heads are awake, we can have some real fun!" Marie mused as she grinned maniacally.

"Let's kiss them!" May called out as they leaped out of the bush and at the Eds.

"OH CRAP, THEY'RE STILL HERE! RUN AWAY!" Eddy yelled before jetting off into the woods, Ed and Edd right behind him and the Kankers hot on their trail.

THE END


End file.
